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Friday, December 30, 2016

Ryu ga Gotoku 3 (龍が如く3)

As per the usual Jhipster post, let's first start with the name. While Yakuza 3 is probably the most boring and mundane name one could ever imagine, I guess it's better than a literal translation of the Japanese title: Ryu ga Gotoku. Calling a game "Like a Dragon" would make one expect some kind of cheesy 90s Kung Fu flick, catching flies with chopsticks, ninjas, and the works. (Though on second thought, that would kinda be a kick ass game.)

NOT read as "Doragon" unlike those English weebs at Square
I beat the first 2 Ryu ga Gotoku games ages ago on the PS2 and man, the leap to HD here is phenomenal and yes, while the character models may look a bit dated by today's standards, you have to give Sega credit for pulling off such a big graphical leap with no bugs or glitches of any kind and on the PS3 Cell shit to boot.

Pfft, Sega sucks guys, they can't even make a decent Sonic game.
(This is what Neogaf posters actually look like)
Yes, after playing Persona 5 in 2016, being able to walk around in Tokyo may not seem AS cool today but it was mind blowing at the time. I still remember thinking it was so awesome to be able to walk into a Don Quixote or a Matsuya just like in real life. Since I was living in Tokyo at the time, you may be wondering, why not just fucking walk outside? Well I can ask you riaju fuckers the same thing about Wii Sports and yet you guys still bought it like it was cocaine sprinkled on a box of Crispy Creme. Ok, where was I again?

Come to the real store to enter to win because vidya games can't make real food (YET)
While I'm obviously a big fan of the series, unfortunately, I found the gameplay a bit wanting in this entry. I don't remember combat being such a fucking pain in the ass in the previous games. The main problem with the battle system is that it's very, very tedious. Maybe it was because I played on hard difficulty, but it seemed like just about everybody can block your attacks with perfect precision, even the local punks on the street corner. Going face on, you will never and I repeat NEVER land a full combination on ANYBODY. One option is to wait until they attack, sway around and land a bunch of hits from behind but that's tedious as well unless it's an aggressive boss. I just did □→□→△→△  like a million times because while it does very little damage, at least it can break a guard.

This tutorial is BS, that kick never works
I equipped a stinky rag just because it said that it made people avoid you but it didn't seem to do shit to prevent all those annoying punks from running up and starting a fight with you. Another annoying part was always running out of heat and you need heat to do all the cool moves. Overall, either I'm suffering from rosy nostalgia glasses syndrome or the combat in 3 got a lot more annoying. Well, at least in this game, you get your own blog.

I used to think blogs were annoying.
Oh if I only knew how much dumberest the internet would get in 2016.
As for the story, while being able to walk around Okinawa was a nice change of pace, I got quickly tired of taking care of the damn kids and the bazillion side missions. And after the grand plot was revealed literally by explaining it while sitting around the table, I was debating whether to give this game a 2 or maybe squeeze out a 2.5 based purely on my love of Tokyo and the improved graphics. That was until a few chapters near the end.

Some side missions were cool like this one (censored ofc from English ver) but most were just filler 

Without going into any spoilers, I will just say that you have to play until chapter 11 to fully appreciate the story. While the overall plot is a bit far-fetched and whatever, that's not the important part. This is a MAN'S story. Stop being whipped by your woman and play this game. Bros before Hos and all that shit (just don't tell my GF I said that, please for the love of god!!!)

Score: 3 Aniki... you're so goddamn cool out of 5 (25 hours to beat)
Tip to game developers: pole dancing is automatic 0.5+ bonus points.

For those of us who are not blessed as Jhipsters, thankfully, they stopped dubbing these games and stuck with sensible subtitles. However, some parts of the game such as the Cabaret side mission were cut due to "cultural" differences. But pole dancing must be cool because that part was left in and I guess that kinda makes sense culturally? (I'm from New Jersey after all.) However, if you want the full experience with no censored content, you'll want to play the Japanese version. And surprisingly, coordinating your Hostess's clothing and makeup, buying accessories, and training her was actually kinda fun!

I hate to admit it but it's undeniable. Kiryu must be gay. He doesn't take his eyes off sexy Rikiya the entire show
Scale
0 - Awful
1 - Bad and not worth your time
2 - Has some flaws but still enjoyable
3 - An average enjoyable experience
4 - A great game
5 - Masterpiece of a caliber only found very rarely

Monday, December 26, 2016

High School DxD: New Fight (ハイスクールD×D NEW FIGHT)

I was actually surprised to hear this game was going out of service back in July. Maybe boobs don't always sell after all. Welp, here we go again with the trophy deadline shit...

Surprisingly not enough to generate a profit apparently
I can't tell you anything about the anime except that it's the worst anime of all time. Did I watch it? No, of course not but I can tell just by looking at the Wikipedia page as a Puritan born again Christian rock gamergate supporter.

I would never play this filth, nuh uh, no way siree
Anyways, the game itself is a standard card battle F2P, boobie microtrans shitfest but as least the Platinum trophy wasn't too time consuming. OH RIGHT, I NEVER GOT THE PLATINUM BECAUSE OF A STUPID TROPHY GLITCH.

Exactly how I felt with the trophy glitch except you know not in a nurse costume
One of the easier trophies would not trigger for the life of me and I even had a back and forth with support about it. Unfortunately, they replied that a fix would require an update which they weren't going to do because DUH, the service was due for imminent shutdown.

You know how many games I bought from you fuckers?

Score: -1 Fuck it, let's set up a whole new score category for this atrocity out of 5

More screenshots to reflect on the folly of your ways.








Scale
0 - Awful
1 - Bad and not worth your time
2 - Has some flaws but still enjoyable
3 - An average enjoyable experience
4 - A great game
5 - Masterpiece of a caliber only found very rarely