Estpolis Denki（エストポリス伝記）

What is Estpolis Denki? Oh my god, is this another 16-bit "hidden" gem that only Jhipsters had access to in the 90s??? Calm down, it's just Lufia on the SNES. Sometimes after hours of hardcore twitch reflex games such as Dark Souls "Prepare to cry to your mommy, we're so hardcore edition", I feel the need to just zone out on a tradition "hold down red button to win" Super Famicon RPG, and boy is this one as traditional as it gets.

Rare instance where Japanese cover is not better

So yes, this was localized to English and has plenty of reviews out there, all of which will mention that the game starts with the final boss. I vaguely remember some other game that did this before or maybe it was this one when I played it way back in the day. In any case, I don't remember so it's fair to say that it was a pretty fresh idea in 1993. So much, in fact, why not slap it right on the box for us dumb Americans?

Battle in opening story? Good, cause I only do battles and don't read so good

To be fair to the cringe marketing, the game does make a great first impression. The opening scene graphics and music are really good. Unfortunately, I think it serves to make your expectations too high for the game to ultimately deliver on.

This might work on journos that don't actually play the game

To set the context, this game came out on in June of 1993. This was a year after Final Fantasy V and Dragon Quest V, so yeah it might not be fair to compare it to such big franchises but I would say this game falls squarely in the B tier similar to say Breath of Fire, which came out 3 months prior to this game.

First of the 4 first "final" boss fights

Besides the nice intro, the story has some cool ideas and themes. For example, one might be reminded of one recent popular manga/anime as only the elf from the hero's party survived 90 years after the intro battle. As for the ending, I won't spoil the story but there is a reason why the game title was localized to Lufia.

So while the story had potential, unfortunately, the writing and dialogue was not great. There's nothing wrong with it necessarily but I can't quite figure out why it seems a bit cringe. The character's dialogue all sound like they were written by the same person and they don't really stand out as different people. It's times like this, I'm glad I read the original Japanese so I know it's not a problem with translation.

Lufia is a slightly annoying, girly girl that loves flowers and dresses and yet still more interesting than the hero who has absolutely no distinguishing character traits. The cheeky half-elf Jurina was my favorite character and I looked for a good illustration but the game manual doesn't have any. The only one I found online was one pixiv fan art.

There's an interesting blog post from the localizer that talks about having to change the dialogue about medicine that makes your boobs bigger. The dialogue was so dumb it was funny but not in a good way.

Uh oh, can't talk about boobs in America!

The conversation goes on to where Lufia claims she has bigger breasts than Jurina. The main character is like, "well I dunno, not like I ever saw em" and Lufia retorts, "you can't tell over the clothes?"

Hmm, I can't tell either from the pixels. Need a Unreal engine 5 remake with proper "physics" 😉

I guess the localizer changed it to hair tonic or something cause you know, "Think of the poor children!" I also liked the fact that you could buy hard alcohol without the game really getting into how old the characters are. It also restores your health, so remember kids, there's nothing like some whiskey to improve your health!

Don't worry Nintendo America, alcohol is old news we got fentanyl now (T⌓T)

As for the battle mechanics and dungeons, there was nothing special. It's standard fare, where the only magic I used was to heal now and then. Sure, for bosses, I might buff to make things easier, but it was as vanilla as it comes. I do appreciate vanilla RPG with fast forward when I'm in the mood though.

Score: 2.5 breast tonics out of 5

Overall, the game had potential but the writing just did not do it for me. The music was not bad so I enjoyed it for what it was but I would put it in the average or slightly below average category. I would recommend if you are on the mood for a traditional SFC RPG grind. Trigger warning for those insecure about their bra size.

Scale
0 - Awful
1 - Bad and not worth your time
2 - Has some flaws but still enjoyable
3 - An average enjoyable experience
4 - A great game
5 - Masterpiece of a caliber only found very rarely

Kyoto Ryuu no Tera Satsujin Jiken（京都龍の寺殺人事件）

Long time readers may remember way back when I realized that I could play old ADV games on my phone (duh). I figured, hey this should be easy! Whip out the phone in a free moment, load my save state, and play a few minutes at a time. And here we are, almost a year later, I'm finally writing about the first Yamamura Misa Suspense title on the Famicom. Needless to say, this was NOT an easy game to get through.

To be fair, the rest of the game does not look this but c'mon

Now, I'd like to think I'm pretty fair in judging games in their proper context and timeframe and according to Google, this game came out at the end of 1987 (December 11 to be exact). Ignoring my disingenuous screenshot above, the graphics are not bad for the Famicom. On the surface, this game looks like it could be one of the better early murder mystery ADV games on the console. Unfortunately, in reality, it sucks so bad, it makes the first Tantei Jinguji game look good, which is quite a feat.

Hi, nice to meet you. Oh, don't mind the frickin' corpse behind you!

There are two major problems with this game, the first being the goddamn awful menu system that requires you to go through multiple steps just to ask a fucking question. Select the ear icon, pick the person to ask, pick the topic, pick the question and start all over for the next question.  Honestly, how hard would it be to remember your menu position?

Well, as long as there's some cleavage, who cares about mechanics?

At this point, I'm a hardened retro gamer so I can stand bad mechanics and some frustration if the story is good but that's where my major problem lies with this game. I dunno if Yamamura Misa's novels are a hundred times better but the whole premise of the game was just... stupid. It starts with the first murder victim holding some petals with letters on them and so the rest of game is filled with character names that just so happen to use those exact same letters. Be prepared to be constantly confused about who is who as you talk to Minako, Namiko, Minao, Naoko, etc. because yeah, it's totally believable that every suspect's first and last name just happen to be perfect anagrams. And also, why are you, a freakin' game designer, responsible for investigating the murder instead of the police?

Why the hell is this my job? Is this because of #DefundThePolice?

The game was so boring, I feel like I don't want to bore my growing audience with an equally boring blog post about it. I'm going to be honest here and admit I totally followed a guide after a few hours of navigating the god awful menu. There is one trick where you have to call *69 to find the last caller on someone's phone, except it's the Japanese version of *69, which I have no clue about. I didn't grow up in Japan. I'm a Jhipster. If I was Japanese, I would just be a "gamer". Well, a Japanese gamer so probably less trolling and death threats.

Oh yeah, you know I'm a real game journalist now that I'm trashing gamers. Don't worry, no matter how shitty some gamers might be, at least they're shitty for free instead of trying to make a living off of it like those game "journalists".

A gamer girl? Nice! Oh wait, Famicom? Pass for lack of taste.

Score: 1 so boring I inadvertently started ranting about gamergate for old times' sakes out of 5

I'm sorry, what were we talking about again? Oh right, this game! So anyway, it's terrible. Don't waste your time with it. Still, I read online that the next Yamamura Misa game is better so I'll probably stick with the series. The one I played on DS seemed pretty good but more on that in 2024.

Scale
0 - Awful
1 - Bad and not worth your time
2 - Has some flaws but still enjoyable
3 - An average enjoyable experience
4 - A great game
5 - Masterpiece of a caliber only found very rarely

Jui Dr. Touma Joutarou（呪医 Dr.杜馬丈太郎）

As things continue to be fucked up because the US is so "special", I continue my never ending quest to... what do YTers call it these days? Ah yes, "curate" my collection so that it best represents ME as a collector. As I might have mentioned before, I'm trying to go through my PSP and DS games to see if they're worth keeping and so here's yet another obscure ADV game: Jui Dr. Touma Joutarou.

Look, we're not hoarders just because our entire house is filled with games!

I know you guys all love my impromptu Japanese lessons (ya right), so I thought I'd mention that this isn't some cutesy vet hospital pet game for kids. Jui here is a made-up word using the Kanji for curse as in "curse doctor". You can clearly tell the difference given that Juui meaning "veterinarian" has a long u-vowel sound. DUH!!

Thanks for the furigana reading for "Dr.", that's REAL helpful (fuckers)

Anyways, the basic premise of the game is you're a former forensics medical specialist who for reasons explained in the game, is now an exorcist. You'll tackle a number of cases all taking place in one condominium along with your loli goth assistant: Kotobiki. I mean, it IS a Japanese game after all.

Whew! I almost thought this was an EA game for a sec there!

For better or worse, this game is not voiced at all meaning much reading of bigly words even for Jhipsters. There are a couple screens of spirits or whatnot that might be considered creepy but on a scare factor scale I would rate this as extremely mild.

Where's the national pandemic response playbook?!! This is horrifying!

Overall, it thought this game was entertaining enough. The gameplay was nothing special just as long as you remember to save before you do your spirit dive or whatever it is. You check out various parts of the room and hope you find what you're looking for before your spirit bar or something runs out. The final so-called puzzle in each case where you have to pick the right type of exorcism is meh... whatever as well (shrug).

Looking for dead baby spirits or your luggage? You decide!

One annoying aspect are the sections where you have to choose to play as Juutarou or Kotobiki when they split up to investigate. Of course, I picked Kotobiki every time but you miss some of the plot no matter which way you pick. I guess this was their lame way of adding some replay value but really, it's just a stupid annoyance. I ain't playing this game twice, fuck that noise.

Score: 3 No pixiv fan art or loli yuri doujin of Kotobiki? Fuck this game! out of 5

I don't really have much to say about this little "hidden" gem except it's terribly average and mediocre. It's nothing special but totally playable I suppose. One minor annoyance is the main story about Juutarou remains unresolved leaving room for maybe a sequel. But c'mon, there was no way this was going to be successful enough for a sequel. So I guess we'll never find out what happens with his main objective. Oh yeah, that's really gonna keep me up at night (not).

I would probably buy and play the sequel for $5 or so if it existed and that's about the most complimentary thing I can say. Final verdict is that this game is going to be leaving my collection and will not be part of what defines me as a person. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go back to building a bunker under my house to add more room for my game collection. #BunkerGamer 

Scale
0 - Awful
1 - Bad and not worth your time
2 - Has some flaws but still enjoyable
3 - An average enjoyable experience
4 - A great game
5 - Masterpiece of a caliber only found very rarely