Dragon Knight II（ドラゴンナイトII）

You know, these are complicated times and I don't think I'm alone in thinking everything is going down the shitter in more ways than one. But oh well, life goes on, and there's nothing like a classic DRPG to remind you of the simpler days before hawk tuah crypto scams or trying to make rent in this economy. If you're looking to just explore some dungeons while enjoying some old school art, Dragon Knight II will fit the bill perfectly.

The days when you didn't have to buy no crypto for some hawk tuah

In the second iteration, all the girls from the village have turned into monsters. The cool part of this story setup is as you rescue these girls, the weaker enemies no longer show up in random encounters, which really cuts down on the grind from useless encounters. I played through the PCE-CD version, which features voice acting but cleans up all the nudity. So you can either opt for some pixel boobies on the PC or voice acting and auto-mapping.

Don't expect anything more risqué in the PCE-CD version

For completeness, I took on the burden of also trying out the NSFW PC-98 version. It's pretty much the same except the major difference of what happens when the girls you rescued come visit you at the inn to "thank you". The PC Engine version features more comedic episodes without any actual hanky-panky going on. 

Just a friendly village neighbor stopping by for a chat!

The 18+ version, well let's just say that you're probably safe because this village supposedly doesn't have any young men and well, it's a fantasy world anyway right? So no reason to worry about STDs!

I'm always impressed at how good these early PC games look given that it came out in 1990. In fact, I would argue it looks better than a lot of art these days, notwithstanding all the AI shit recently. Putting aside the seggs, this is a fun and simple DRPG you can finish very quickly especially if you follow a guide. You do also get some party members and one can even use magic, which I've mostly just used to escape the dungeon.

 

Don't remember if the PCE version had panchira but definitely not acceptable "modern standards"

Score:  3 "Does hair color count as DEI?" out of 5

Overall, I just had so much fun, I was tempted to give an above-average 3.5 score but objectively, it's a fun and simple dungeon crawler. It's certainly a good reminder of how people weren't so anal about stupid shit back in the day. I liked it so much, I might even finish the PC-98 version to see the rest of the "action".

Oh, I forgot to mention that there's not a single strong female character in the entire game. Sofia is not nearly obnoxious enough to match up to "modern standards". In fact, the whole premise of the game is literally damsel in distress. Awful game, 0 out of 10! (Courtesy of IGNorant)

If you want to see more boobies, play it yourself

Scale
0 - Awful
1 - Bad and not worth your time
2 - Has some flaws but still enjoyable
3 - An average enjoyable experience
4 - A great game
5 - Masterpiece of a caliber only found very rarely

Dragon Knight（ドラゴンナイト）

Dragon Knight is a DRPG where you save the kingdom/town of Strawberry Fields by defeating Dragon Knights. No literally. Dragons that are also knights (spoiler alert?). Personally, I think the game would have been much better if it had SPACE Dragon Knights but I digress.

The knight jumps into the dragon's mind... or something

Because I'm retro old-school, I first played through the original PC version. Not surprising for this type of game, but the kingdom/town is comprised solely of women. Now, I'm not sure how that works since Luna's mother is in the game and hence they must have some way to reproduce. Either they have some secret scissor magic (LOL) or maybe they hire out for some umm... outside help.

Luna, hate to break the news but your dad is... um... a test tube

One of the major problems with the PC88 version were the long load times and significant lag. The game was sluggish even at a blazing FOUR MHz so I dialed up the juice in my emulator all the way up to eight, count em EIGHT MHz!! Maybe the PC98 version is much better but I always have issues with those emulators.

8 MEGA POWER!!!

There's really not much to say about this game except that it's a very, very simple RPG with one attack and one heal spell, no items, and limited equipment. Now, as far I as I could tell, there is no automap feature and while I would love to map stuff out myself (ugh no), I have a life so I looked up the maps on the Suupaa Information Highway.

Nothing like a BACKLER to fend off them monsters

It's essentially a DRPG version of 闘神都市 except without all that sex. In fact, there is no sex whatsoever as you're practically a saint, saving all these women from the goodness of your heart. #WhiteKnight #FriendZone #ClosetSexOffender

What? Clothing? THE NERVE!

Unless you're really insistent on seeing some nipples, it's better to just play the PCE CD remake as it has an expanded story and nothing is cut. In fact, a lot of stuff has been added including bits of fabric or hair in some key strategic spots. I do have to point out that the the PC R-18 version has one image that probably won't be legal today thanks to America's proud work in changing the Japanese sexist laws. Thanks America! I won't put up the image of the match girl here so you'll have to play yourself if you're curious.

Is that one pixel going to make this blog NSFW??

I have to admire the fact that this game has different music for each of the 6 dungeon floors but man, PC88 music is not something you want to jam to for any length of time. I would put a link to one of the songs but nope, here's another screenshot, you horn dog!

There's like 3 other characters that look identical to this one

The PCE CD version is quite a faithful remake as all the dungeon maps are the same EXCEPT oddly enough the 6th floor. In addition to adding SUUPAA CD-ROM POWER voice acting, the game balance was also significantly tweaked. In general, the PCE version is almost TOO easy except for the weird difficulty spike at the black dragon. I grinded for a while there just to discover you only need to survive a few turns to win. MEH

Pretty much the same as PC except for, well try to guess.

Because of the addition of voiced dialogues, you can no longer change the main character's name from Takeru. A fair amount of dialogue was added with some minor plot changes including dialogue lines to hint at a larger story. Another big change is the ability to have a second party member. There's quite a few lines of dialogue in the original version where the main character complains that nobody ever tags around to help. I guess the developers took this to heart and decided to address his complaints. Also, the remake has automap though since I knew where everything was at this point, it was kind of moot (except the 6th floor).

This screenshot makes this look like an actual decent RPG

Score: 2.5  you're probably still googling "match girl" aren't you? out of 5.

I would say this game was a 2.5 including the remake given that it's based on a game from 1989. Yeah, the mechanics are dead simple but sometimes I'm in a mood to play a brain dead RPG without having to think about complicated shit like um... items. I had fun with it even though it's not a great game by any means.

SJWs in a rage right now might want to listen to these lyrics
Some extra screen shots cause, "Hey, I need to make some clickbait revenue too you know!!" I AM a "professional" after all!!

Pretty much the same as PC except for well... what do YOU think?

I tried to go back to the town and NUTHIN

Yeah, I actually finished this shit... TWICE. Don't know why

Next time, I'll probably just stick with the console shit

Scale
0 - Awful
1 - Bad and not worth your time
2 - Has some flaws but still enjoyable
3 - An average enjoyable experience
4 - A great game
5 - Masterpiece of a caliber only found very rarely

In search of GOTY for 1986

Oh my god, as if to make up for the dearth of games in 1985, 1986 can be pretty much considered a gamer's paradise (if you were rich) of the 80s. The Famicon Disk System launched in February and pumped out some mega hits including Zelda as a launch title. Meanwhile, the PC Master race was not to be outdone either with tempting titles from both sides of the Pacific.

As for the Famicon, it's still firmly in the camp of arcade style games that are designed to make you want to murder somebody, for example fucking Goonies. Now I loved the movie primarily cause of the smart Asian kid with the gadgets but the game not so much. I played a bunch of the Famicon games released in 1986 like Goonies and Kage no Densetsu much later with that shady 100 games-in-one cart Korean console and well, needless to say, I wasn't impressed.

Fuck this game, fuck it to hell

As for me, besides some odd titles I've played on other people's expensive PC hardware (C64, etc.), this was the start of my childhood nostalgia rose-tinted glasses of the mighty Master System. While early shooters are kind of dated now, at the time I played the SHIT out of Astro Warrior. That and of course Space Harrier are the games of 1986 that made up my childhood. Now, I didn't have/rent these games IN 1986 (duh, these are Japanese release dates) but these are the games I grew up with probably around the late '80s. Yeah, pre-orders and scummy resellers weren't really a thing in the golden age.

As for Space Harrier, while the vanilla arcade port came out in 1986, I believe I must've had the later 3D version cause I remember killing my eyes with those glasses. Come to think of it, that might have something to do with why I can't see shit anymore. Ah, the good ol' thrilling days of rampant lead paint and potentially life-threatening toys before all this Obama death panel government interference!

We wore these while licking lead off GI Joe figures but somehow still not as dumb as SJW millennial kids nowadays

However, I'm not a dumb kid anymore and have far more sophisticated tastes, so let's see which games have the best boobies... er... I mean have the best expression of gameplay aesthetics... and... interactivity... and stuff....

Family Computer Disk System

I bet the game looks just like this!

There's a lot to like in the FDS's offerings in 1986 that are obvious contenders for GOTY, mainly Legend of Zelda, Akumajou Dracula (aka Castlevania for the non-Jhipsters), and Metroid. That's quite a hefty lineup for a peripheral, especially during its very first year on the market. For the serious Japanese gamer able to blow ¥15,000, it's a must own item as Zelda and Akumajou Dracula didn't get FC ports for many, many years. Metroid never got ported at all, you would have needed to wait till 2004 to play on the GBA!

I played through a few levels of Akumajou Dracula and I can't deny that it's fun. I certainly got good at avoiding those pesky flying Medusa heads. But not GOTY mostly due to my genre preferences.

Also on the FDS, I played an adventure game called Dead Zone. While the cover and art style outside of the game looked good, the game itself was brutally difficult and had a minimal story like many adventure games during this time. It was just so-so.

The Legend of Zelda

I was definitely late to the party with this one but I can add my voice to the consensus that the first Zelda game is a timeless classic that was amazing for its time. It's still fun to play today and very close to being my GOTY.

Metroid

Technically I haven't played Metroid yet but I did beat the GBA remake. It's almost a completely different game so I can't say too much about the original version. However, I just couldn't really bring myself to play through it after the oh so much better remake.

Zeta

I feel like 1986 is a good year to check out Champion Soft's lineup. Even though they have a couple games going all the way back to 1983, it's a bit too dated even for me. Zeta, on the other hand, is a very interesting idea of bundling a magazine with software in probably one of the earliest if not the first example of virtual idols. The software even has a contest for favorite idol conducted by sending in a postcard from the magazine (it might be a tad bit late to send now). The Disk Magazine was published biannually until 1987 with a total of 5 volumes. Considering the big cultural impact virtual idols have had in Japan from the likes of Hatsune Miku, Love Live, etc., Zeta is definitely a noteworthy game for GOTY just in historical terms.

This is vol 1, issue 2, the only picture I could find online

If you've never heard of Champion Soft, you may have heard of their brand AliceSoft, which I thought was the name of the company for the longest time. Champion Soft is still around and is the developer responsible for AliceSoft (the brand). So definitely a lineup to keep an eye out for in terms of Jhipster gaming history.

Space Quest: The Sarien Encounter

It seems Sierra On-line is still the dominant pioneer in the English-speaking adventure genre and boy, did they knock it out the park with the hilarious new series: Space Quest. Yeah, they also released the rather simplistic licensed game The Black Cauldron and yet another King's Quest but Space Quest is one of the series that I actually played and loved growing up, playing with my friend on his (rich) parent's Tandy on EGA graphics or whatever.

I loved the premise of Roger Wilco's anti-hero persona as you play a loser janitor on an accidental adventure to save the universe. As a bullied nerd, this was the perfect game to release some stress, er, I mean if I WAS a bullied nerd. Of course, as a super popular stud surrounded by chicks, I can only guess but I bet some poor nerd would have really enjoyed this game.

One of the best premise for an amazing series of adventure games

I would say in almost any other year, Space Quest I would be a no-brainer for GOTY but alas, 1986 is not just any year and there are some heavy contenders this time around. However, it at least deserves an honorable mention.

Alpha

Not to be outdone by the competition, Square released Alpha this year and so far I would rank it as their best Adventure game by far. Leagues ahead of Death Trap and Death Trap II, it features probably some of the best graphics (boobs) on the PC88 and it's not just ONE picture like Enix's scammy Zarth. In addition to some nice puzzles (boobs), it has a decent story (boobs), a nice OP theme song (boobs), and even a bit of animation. This definitely would have been a contender for GOTY if it came out in weaker year.

Like one nipple away from GOTY

Dragon Quest

While I gave the Famicon a lot of flack for being a mediocre platformer/action home console, there is one major exception. Even though all the cool games such as Metroid and Zelda were being released on the Famicon Disk System this year, surprisingly Dragon Quest came out on the regular ol' Famicon.

Reading on the Famicon? What is this? FDS wannabe??

There are countless "articles" written by some nerd in his mom's basement about how JRPGs are really CRPGs and how they are more linear because of story or some bullcrap. However, at least for our good ol' pervy friend Horii, anybody who's played Karuizawa Yukai Annai can see where Dragon Quest's roots came from. 

 

Pfft, so much for those Reddit/Kotaku/Polygon JRPG history "experts"

The final RPG portion of Karuizawa Yukai Annai is not so much linear, but better described as extremely primitive. You have to fight enemies in a certain order as the game balance is extremely tight and restricted. While DQ, being a full fledged RPG rather than just something tacked on the end, obviously has a lot more leeway in terms of balance, it still requires you to go to certain places in a certain order and weapon upgrades become available just when you need them.

I really enjoyed the tight balance and simple linear gameplay but I think it was more a product of simplicity and time constraints rather some stupid cultural bias as some dumb "JRPG vs WRPG" blogger would like to think. The fact is, with more ambition and budget, the next two sequels, especially 3, become much more open-ended as soon as you get the boat. Personally, it's why I hated 2 and still slogging through 3 because exploring without a clear goal with random encounters ain't so much fun when you're a busy adult. I'm sure it's great for kids to waste time on the ONE game they're stuck with for months, but no thanks, I'll stick with the good ol' simple DQ1.

While I played the SFC version, which has better music and sound so there is a little bias there. However, besides the much improved menu interface, it's still a similar experience to the original. While Zelda comes close or even tied, Dragon Quest is my GOTY for now mostly because I'm partial to RPGs.

Other games of note

VR remake candidate?

177
While I didn't try this game myself, 177 is a noteworthy game for perhaps being the first example of the Streisand effect in gaming. Though since no internet, the effect was a mere golf clap, this pretty simplistic and frankly bad game has the notorious distinction of being the first adult title discussed in the National Diet. No idiots, it's not some new diet fad, I'm talking about Japanese politics.

Apparently 177 is the law concerning rape and you basically just chase down a woman in the park and well... 177 away. According to Wikipedia, this game was practically pulled from the market after the Diet got wind of it. Pfft, silly politicians, I guess they didn't even know about Tenshitachi no Gogo released a year earlier, where one of the menu options is "rape". Due to the increased notoriety and the subsequent ban, this game is supposedly now a rare collector's item. Way to go collectors!

J.B. Harold no Jikenbo Murder Club
A decent detective story with standard PC-88 ADV menu action.

Suishou no Dragon
The other Square developed game in 1986, published by DOG. Maybe because it was crippled by not being on PC master race hardware, I thought it was just so-so.

Valis: The Fantasm Soldier
I played the PC Engine remake which was pretty good but the original 1986 release looks pretty rough.

Wingman 2: Kitakura no Fukkatsu
Not a bad sequel but there are better ADV games.

Ganbare Goemon! Karakuri Dōchū

I spent a few hours playing the first Goemon game given that it's a fairly extensive franchise. I didn't beat it but it was certainly one of the better action games for this year. Having small, first-person mazes was nice distraction. However, it does get a bit repetitive after the first few levels and there are no bosses or anything of the sort.

Games I plan to try later

道化師殺人事件
コスモエンジェル
King's Quest III: To Heir Is Human
マドゥーラの翼 レイラ

ハイドライドスペシャル

ワルキューレの冒険

In search of GOTY for 1985

Yeah yeah yeah, 1985, NES launch, OMG Super Mario Bros!!!!! OMG OMG OMG, Nintendo has single-handedly saved the vidya game industry! Miyamoto IS MY GOD!!!! YAAAAAAAAWN

This is so me as I'm typing this. Yeah, I'm a fucking dog. PLOT TWIST!

Meanwhile, the FC has entered a second full year of its lineup and I can't help but reaffirm my suspicion that yeah, I'm not really into platformers. I remember my sister talking about playing a game at a friend's house involving mushrooms, stomping on turtles, etc. and I was like, "Dude, did YOU eat a mushroom?" (Paraphrasing as my knowledge of psychedelic drugs at the time was limited)

I played this as a kid decades ago and thought it was as dumb as I do today

I did eventually play Super Mario Bros at some friend's house but I don't remember being particularly impressed. However, given the historical significance, it IS the obvious choice for GOTY so let's see if there's anything else in 1985 that could top it. Given that the Master System's 1985 launch lineup of sports games is not exactly GOTY material, we'll have to dive into the PC MASTER RACE.

King's Quest II

I tried the 2010 VGA remake which is completely different from the original. This game deserves bonus kudos points just based on the fact AGD interactive offers a remake for free with permission from Sierra. Still, while King's Quest was my GOTY for 1984 based on its revolutionary graphics, and even though the remake is great, the original sequel didn't add too much from the first game.

It's not 1984 anymore, not good enough for GOTY. Sorry grandma.

In the first game, you become King of Daventry by finding some shit around the kingdom. In the sequel, you get horny, so you set out to find a woman. I'm paraphrasing but that's essentially the plot of the game. The VGA remake adds a bunch of additional plot and is worth a playthrough but the original is not what I would call GOTY.

Tenshitachi no Gogo （天使たちの午後）

Readers of this blog know I would never dare to sully myself with eroge but due to my self-proclaimed title of Japanese game historian and archivist, I feel I have to mention Tenshitachi no Gogo, supposedly a pioneer in the bishōjo/galge genre. According to random guy on internet, Jast was originally in some sort of computer equipment business so they were the first to scan high quality art into umm... ascii porn using fancy (for the 80s) scanning equipment.

You may have heard of Jast USA, and if you have not, I do not suggest googling them at work. Sadly, the original Jast that the USA brand was associated with is no longer with us, which is kinda ironic given that Jast USA is happily chugging along to this day.

Praying for the arrest of the local serial rapist?

Of course, if I were to play this game, I would opt for the PC98 master race remake in the Tenshitachi no Gogo collection. However, since I did NOT touch this filth, I have no idea that you play pretty much a serial rapist. Not exactly the most subtle and touching love story. Simpler times... I GUESS? Anyways, the collection doesn't come out till a decade later so why am I putting this screenshot here? (clicks, clicks, click$$$$$!)

PC98 Master race don't wear pants cause static

Karuizawa Yukai Annai（軽井沢誘拐案内）

So for GOTY of 1985, I'm going to have to go for Karuizawa Yukai Annai (at least for now). While I didn't give it a very high score, there's really not much in contention that I could find for this year, perhaps due to the NES hype. Well, except for Ultima IV, which I have yet to play so this GOTY position is certainly tentative depending on how much I enjoy Ultima.

Plus, I gave King's Quest GOTY for the previous year even though Hokkaido blah blah had a far better story so I feel as the last entry in the series before we lose the creator to mainstream DQ, this game and the series as a whole deserve 1985's GOTY.
It's pervy lighthearted fun, and is an overall interesting title both for its gameplay and its place in gaming history. On top of that, nobody talks about it so GOTY it is. YAY!! (Yeah, nobody cares, I know.)

Other games I tried

WILL The Death Trap II
The only Square developed offering in 1985 (Thexder was just licensed and not made by Square I guess). While the title screen looked good, it was a step backwards in many ways to the first Death Trap and extremely short.

Games I plan to try later

エルドラド伝奇

ザ・スクリーマー

ドルアーガの塔
コズミックソルジャー

Ring Quest

マカダム

Ultima IV: Quest of the Avatar

Xanadu

英雄ヤマトタケル

セイバー

地球戦士ライーザ

ハイドライドII

ルパン三世 -カリオストロの城-

Toushin Toshi（闘神都市）

I have never played an 18+ game before (no, FOR REAL, I'm NOT EVEN LYING), but I wanted play this game before Toushin Toshi for the 3DS. And what a horrible name for the 3DS game because it's actually a remake of Toushin Toshi TWO and it totally screwed up my google searches for the original title. Anyways, being the obsessive compulsive as usual, I decided it was better, nay A DUTY, to play the first entry before digging into a remake of the sequel. You know, in case I would miss something important like uh... plot points?

Yeah sorry, couldn't help myself.

I debated whether to even post any 18+ games but whatever, you guys can handle it right? I promise what I post here will not get any raunchier than Cero D levels.

Originally released in 1990, this multiplat game was available on all your favorite, popular platforms such as the PC-9801, X68000, MSX2 and FM TOWNS. Ummm, yeah, we all totally had one of those growing up right?

OMG, I totally saw this ad in an issue of EGM. NOT!

This is probably the most retro I've gone so far but I'm playing the Windows version, part of the Aliceの館456 compilation released in 1997. I have no idea if it's any different from the original but for a game that came out 18 years ago, it worked impressively with no issues on my Win7 PC without any silly compatibility settings to fudge around with.

Can you handle this much retro? Can you? PUNK?

I guess Alicesoft or MS or whomever deserves some kudos here. But I'm just gonna go ahead and give all the Kudos to Alicesoft (cause you know M$) because they were kind enough to release a bunch of their older games as freeware. So you can go ahead and download yourself a FREE copy absolutely guilt-free! You're gonna have to go through the age check and find it yourself and if you're not Jhipster enough to do so, well, there's probably easier ways to find porn. I hear there's this thing called the Internet that supposedly has a small sample.

For the rest of us, there's actually a pretty decent RPG underneath the 18+ label. The nice thing about this game is that battles are REALLY fast. Not like ATB or anything fancy like that but you can just spam attack and end a battle in like 5 seconds. Maybe it's because my PC is like 1000000x faster than the original platforms but this game almost feels like an action game. In fact, my only major gripe was that pressing the keys so fast made my hand cramp up (don't even think about making a joke about my other hand). A controller would have been really nice but I guess there was ONE compatibility issue as my PS3 DS3 did NOT work with this PC-9801/X68000/MSX2/FM TOWNS game from 1990. (Geesh, these developers are SOOOOOOO LAZY)

There's even a really nice feature (bug?) where once you've fought enough enemies on  a single floor, the random encounters just stop altogether giving you free rein to explore the entire floor.

Apparently you have no issues with tearing this monster apart with your sword. Um, I'm talking about the attack options? Geesh, get your mind out of the gutter.

You play as a guy named Custom, which is ironic because you can't change his name. The premise is you (Custom) enter in a tournament to help a girl you meet traveling. Apparently, her dad won a previous tournament and then cut off all contact with her and her mom. Winners of the tournament get a special title and live in a fancy palace that only winners of the tournament can enter. That's where you come in as she'd very much like to meet her dad and ask why he abandoned her and her (now deceased) mom. Basically, you have a few days before each match to explore dungeons, level up, and complete various quests in order to defeat your next opponent.

There's actually quite a lot to do in this game. You have to talk to people in the bar, find items, learn how to use magic, etc., etc. I actually got stuck a couple times, which made the fact that the 3DS remake has the same name SO annoying when you're trying to look for information online.

There's even like a story and stuff. Off-topic but I also totally read Playboy for the articles.

Overall, the gameplay is fast and convenient for short play sessions. Buy a return item for 10 gold, go straight to the floor you want, do some exploring and whatnot, use the return item, and then go back to the inn to save. While you can heal by sleeping only a few times before it's time for your match, you can also restore your HP with items and by leveling up. The game is actually pretty easy for the most part and only near the end around the 7th floor does it get a bit challenging.

That is until you get to the final boss, when there's a huge difficulty spike. Basically the setup is that you lose all but a handful of items and I had to grind for a few hours just to finally beat the last boss.

Score: 2 are you getting tired of innuendo jokes yet? out of 5.

This was a pretty fun, fast, and dead simple game. Although the hours of grinding at the end was pretty annoying, at least I got a bit of satisfaction after finally beating the last boss with barely any health left. If you don't mind all the sex or the dated graphics, it's not a bad game by any means especially given the VERY nice price tag. Plus, now I don't have to be afraid of missing anything (probably absolutely nothing) when I play Toushin Toshi for the 3DS.

Some more bonus screenshots cause I had them laying around you know for uh, review purposes.

Features a very unique system for learning new magic spells: Girl in a box

Heisei 2  is 1990 in case you forgot this game was old. Alicesoft asks for any feedback but I doubt they care anymore?

Scale
0 - Awful
1 - Bad and not worth your time
2 - Has some flaws but still enjoyable
3 - An average enjoyable experience
4 - A great game
5 - Masterpiece of a caliber only found very rarely