The Legend of Zelda（ゼルダの伝説）

Well it's the end of the decade and what better way to end it by playing a classic that is now over 33(!) years old: Zeruda no Densetsu. What a great way to make myself feel freakin' old that is! Yes, here at Jhipster blog, us humble gamers take pride in not playing all that fancy new shit. I didn't buy any new games this year and put them into a hoarder box still sealed and untouched. Nope, totally did NOT do that.

Anyways, I was working on my 1988 GOTY list, checking out Fire Bam on the FDS that vaguely resembled Zelda II and then remembered I never played the first one and so here we are a few days and 7 hours of gameplay later and I'm happy to report that this 33 year-old, out of shape beer belly, middle age crisis Tesla buying game still holds up really well! And no, that description has absolutely no bearing on my personal appearance whatsoever!

Getting off my fat arse to switch to Disk Side B not shown here

This Famicom Disk System launch title really does justify buying an FDS at the time in Japan. The poor Japanese kids wouldn't get the FC version until 1994, years after the Super Famicom was already out! Sure, you have to flip the disk and deal with loading, but it's an amazing game for its time and even more so considering it was one of the launch titles on the system. Now, I obviously haven't played every game before 1986 but I have to believe this is the first action adventure game of this type.

"1 star, don't speak fucking french" -review on Amazon Japan

The title screen has a quick summary of the setting and story in English, I guess because it looks cool? Amazingly, it is grammatically correct and gets the point across. At least they were nice enough to ask you to look at the "book" in their customers' native language. I'm assuming they're referring to the game's manual.

Which button do I press to see this book?

Fortunately, due to the re-release of this game on the Famicom mini console, you can read a beautiful scan by Nintendo themselves (how nice!). I took a look at the English version and they "erroneously" translated Zelda's wet nurse Impa as a "nursemaid". Talk about discriminating against a perfectly legitimate and reputable profession. Time to go wild on Twitter! #CENSORSHIP2019 #BOYCOTTNOW

Kanji for "breast" + "mother" = "wet nurse". See, Japanese is so EASY!

I've always been intimidated by this game as you have pretty much almost full reign of the overworld map with no clear direction on the next destination. There's no giant rock blocking most of the way here until you get the right item to progress, this is old-school. However, playing with a guide, this game is probably just as fun as any of the more modern Zelda games. I don't feel bad about using a guide (sparingly) because honestly some of the hidden shit screams "please subscribe to Nintendo Power" marketing to me. For example, I don't think there was any hint on how to find the Magic sword.

Sure this one was easy to find but try to find the Magic Sword (Google time!)

Once you know which trees to burn with the candle and get a better sword and tunic, I found the difficulty was pretty fair though most of the bosses are pretty easy. I mean of course it is, you play a character that can burn a fucking tree with a candle for god's sakes! The hardest dungeon is probably the 6th level. That weird jelly enemy that steals your magic shield was SO ANNOYING.

The fact that you can only save when you die also really made it hard for me to put the game down (literally). I played the GBA version so no sissy save states or "life of luxury" mode for the privileged kids. Nintendo nowadays is all kid family friendly with the, "oh maybe you should take a break" messages. However, in this game, after you beat a dungeon, you get back all your health as if to invite you to keep playing and that's what I did instead of going to work or being a responsible member of society. Great game, thanks Nintendo!

Score: 4 breast moms out of 5 (7 hours to beat)

Great innovation! Ok, time to make like 20 sequels now!

I have to hand it to Nintendo here. They managed to create an entire new genre on a system launch title, which is really impressive. The open world exploration, smooth and fun action gameplay, this is a game that really wouldn't work on the PC-88/98. Ys doesn't come on PCs until a year later and it's choppy as hell. I missed out as a Sega kid, and only vaguely remember the snake from Golvellius at some other kid's house but I'm pretty sure it's not as good as this game.

There's also great replay value with the second quest after you beat the game for the first time. I haven't played the second quest yet but I still think it's amazing that they included a remix of the whole game. They certainly don't do that anymore at least for free. (Hard mode DLC only 800 yen!)

I definitely think for 1986 in terms of innovation, this deserves a 4 star great game score. The only minor downside is the fact that you need a guide and a lack of variety in the music. The overworld and dungeon themes are great, they didn't grate on my ears even after hours of gameplay. But those are the only two songs you hear the whole game except for the intro screen, the last dungeon, and the ending credits.

Scale
0 - Awful
1 - Bad and not worth your time
2 - Has some flaws but still enjoyable
3 - An average enjoyable experience
4 - A great game
5 - Masterpiece of a caliber only found very rarely

Metroid: Zero Mission（メトロイド ゼロミッション）

Up till now, I haven't played a lot of GBA games because my GBA SP didn't have a backlight. I eventually sold that off and I also didn't like how the cart stuck out of the DS lite (first-world problems I know I know). I also really didn't feel like buying MJR's "fuck me in the ass" $420 custom modded POS. (Oh wow, it's now on $ale for $399.99!)

Using Benjamins as toilet paper and lighting cigars is so 70s, is there a better way to waste it? Oh perfect!

While PSP emu kinda works for GBA, it has a lot of issues and also kills your battery but I think I found a way a perfect way to play GBA games with no emulation issues and a way better screen than MJR branded enemas. I basically marathoned through Metroid: Zero Mission in a couple days and it was a joy to play. No, I didn't play it on the Wii U because as we all know, the Wii U gamepad is a fucking lie and doesn't work more than 10 feet away from the console or even a single wall and the screen is shit to boot. Also, I didn't use emulation so no save states or screenshots.

Grabbed this from the eShop page but it looks exactly this good on my device

I got the worst ending because I played mostly blind and took my sweet time, finishing the game in a little over 4 hours. The total gameplay recorded was closer to 8 hours with restarts etc., but the game was pretty easy to beat on normal. I have not tried to replay it in hard mode yet but I may do so a later time if I feel the itch.

I never played the original FDS release nor the NES US version as I was a Sega Master System kid. I did however play the shit out of Zillion and it's a bit similar to Metroid except you can play as 2 additional characters after you rescue them. I vaguely remember only ever beating it one time cause it was hard as fuck.

I was playing this when all the other cool (mainstream) kids were playing Metroid

I did briefly try the original Metroid game because it conveniently unlocks after you beat Zero Mission and once again, I've confirmed that I'm not really a big fan of the Famicon. There seems to be a lot of slowdowns too. This GBA remake is great though. For one, you can point your gun down and it has all kinds of save points and health to make it easy for old people like me to play through.

The maps and power-ups were super well designed. For example, you have to go to a certain spot where you see some weird larva like thing and the game makes you backtrack in such a way you can see that the larva is empty later on. Of course, then it attacks you as a mini boss but the way the map was designed to be explored with the power-ups was fun. And no, I'm not going to fucking use that stupid term "Metroidvania" (ugh I just did).

Oh gross, good thing there's this wall in the way...

I also really dug the extra scenario they added after you beat the final boss from the original FDS game. I won't go into it cause spoilers only that the sprites are gewd. Some of the artwork in the new cut-scenes were a bit rough but hey, I can deal.

Score: 4 zero suit buttocks (the more the better!) out of 5 (7 hours to beat)

Overall, just a solid and fun game that I couldn't put down. Yes, it's kind of short and I did get stuck a few times in Kraid. I also struggled a bit with the boss in Ridley (is that an Alien movie reference?) because for some reason I thought you could only shoot when its mouth was open. Overall, this is just an awesome remake of a game I've been meaning to try for a long time now. No complaints or any flaws that I can point out except that the JP physical cart is way too expensive especially with box and manual. Oh well, who needs manuals anyway right, all major game publishers? We don't care about manuals, right mateys?! Arr!

Scale
0 - Awful
1 - Bad and not worth your time
2 - Has some flaws but still enjoyable
3 - An average enjoyable experience
4 - A great game
5 - Masterpiece of a caliber only found very rarely

MOTHER3

In my post about MOTHER2, I couldn't help but ramble on about how it fixed all the shitty parts of MOTHER to upgrade it from a bag of poo all the way to a fairly decent game. At this rate, MOTHER3 should be one of the greatest games of all time. At the very least, it addressed my only one major complaint: the complete lack of character development making it very difficult to feel invested in the story. BOY OH BOY, did they add a lot of story this time around, almost TOO MUCH (here comes entitled gamer complaining about getting exactly what I asked for). Within the first few hours of the game, the story gets HEAVY AS FUCK (in more ways than one).

Heavy as a plate of chicken fried steak with biscuits AND gravy YEEHAW!!

If you thought MOTHER2 was doomed in the US market, MOTHER3 would have been like trying to sell bubonic plague. The graphic style combined with all the heavy dialogue and reading would have been like kryptonite to American gamers, gasping in shock as they vainly tried to reach for a bag of Doritos and dew with their weakened, fat hands. (Disclaimer: I'm American so I'm allowed to make fun of them, err I mean us.)

In terms of the gameplay and battle system, it's pretty much the same as MOTHER2, a standard multi-task hold down 'A' affair. Fortunately, you can hold down the convenient 'L' button for one-handed play and it goes really fast. In fact, TOO fast, one time I had to reset because I got an item from a battle, the game said my inventory was full, and I ended up throwing away my equip item instead by accident. OOPS!

Your first battle is with an okera, some sort of bug? He thinks he's tough.

Again, I really dug the way your HP gradually rolls up and down, giving you a chance to heal yourself before you die if you're quick (ATB?). It's great at keeping you on your toes for boss battles. It also helped me not care when the men's bathroom sign used PK Starstorm cause I could quickly end the battle before it really hurt me (you'll understand when you play game). There's nothing new really from the previous game in terms of game mechanics except for the dash. OH THANK GOD FOR THE DASH. I loved it so much I was super annoyed when you couldn't dash cause one of your characters was trying to learn a new PSI ability. UGH.

What really stands out in this game is the story and the large cast of quirky and memorable characters. In addition, the OST has TONS of songs and is probably one of the best VG OSTs I've heard in terms of variety.

GAH! DEM FEEEEEEEEELS

Warning: some very minor spoilers ahead.


Starting out, I thought maybe it took place many years before MOTHER2, maybe in Texas or something? Cause your dad looks like a cowboy and it looked like some sort of western setting but with dinosaurs? Hmm I dunno, maybe a completely different universe from the previous 2 games? That's what I thought going into the game at least and wasn't a big fan of the western setting at first.

Without getting into too much detail, let me just say that the story does NOT disappoint. Even though both Ness and Lucas are silent protagonists, the level of character development and emotional attachment is on a totally different level from the previous game, which is interesting considering Lucas doesn't say a single word in the entire game. I also liked that your dog in this game isn't a total useless, good-for-nothing like the last game. Sadly, my dog Chewy passed away after I started this game so it was a bit sad to continue playing with Chewy （チュイ） in my party.

Sigh....

As for the overall plot, while MOTHER2 had some great surprises and frankly disturbing plot points, MOTHER3 has dem FEEEEELS. There were definitely some great themes as well, such as how the bad guy used "Shiawase" (happiness) boxes to corrupt the town. My cynical self enjoyed the irony of exploring the bad influence of TV in a video game. It also did a great job of being a grand finale for the entire series. I don't know if it was Itoi's grand scheme for the series but it finally did live up to the title "MOTHER". It would have been cool if I wrote this post for Mother's Day but I'm a bit late for that.

Too bad my real mother is a krazy lady.

Score: 4 No seriously, I'm not fucking exaggerating about dem FEEEEELS out of 5 (29 hours to beat)

I was going to give this game an above-average score of 3.5 as I normally wouldn't give a multitask battle system game a 4. I didn't get that super hooked right away either as it took me over a year to finish. The underwater oxygen part was kind of tedious and I probably put it down for over 6 months at that point. Another issue was that this game didn't work on my PSP emulator as they must have used some crazy GBA tricks. It wasn't really an issue since I'm not a filthy pirate and I own the actual game but I don't carry my DS with me normally so it took me longer to finish.

However, after finishing the game, considering the great OST and my preference for a good story over gameplay, I decided that it deserves a 4 as a great end to a influential video game series. It obviously was intended to be THE END so I'm not really into these English (bleh) fan projects to make a "sequel". Just call it something else, geesh.

Just one of the many great tracks, check out the 8-bit version too
Also, it's STILL not localized for obvious reasons. For a game with graphics that look like it's some sort of edutainment kid's title, I'm sure parents wouldn't be so happy about the themes of animal abuse, nor you playing as a kid, making out with trans-gender mermaids and hallucinating on some shrooms. Considering the fact that we're apparently too sensitive to hear some wacky sound effect for punishing children, localizing MOTHER3 would have required more censorship than a boobie Compile Heart game even IF Earthbound had sold well (yeah not exactly oodles of Earthbound floating around on ebay). I mean, seriously Cero A rating?? Sure, if you want to traumatize some poor kid about mortality but c'mon really.

But Daren, aren't shrooms just vegetables? Doesn't count right??

Those Earthbound fans clamoring for an official English localization probably have never played this game. (Well duh, if they did, why would they still care?) While I wouldn't totally write off a possible digital English release, given the fake kid friendly image NOA is trying to maintain, I feel pretty safe putting this one on the official Jhipster smugness approved list. It's only been 11 years though, maybe they'll localize next year?

Jhipster smugness approved!

Scale
0 - Awful
1 - Bad and not worth your time
2 - Has some flaws but still enjoyable
3 - An average enjoyable experience
4 - A great game
5 - Masterpiece of a caliber only found very rarely

Super Paper Mario

This is going to be a short post because platformers are not really my kind of genre. However, Super Paper Mario has so much story and a leveling system, I guess I might as well blow some steam on how much this game sucks.

First of all, the story is incredibly boring, cliche, and just goes on and on. I feel like there's a Nintendo template file somewhere in their offices which is copy+pasted for pretty much every single one of their games. They just need a thin premise substantive enough to whip up a villain and end goal to justify the game. Which is fine for them I guess but combining that shallow template with line after line of dialogue was just disastrous.

The game tries so hard to be funny but it just ISN'T. I mean is this game supposed to be funny for kids? Not only is the humor too simple to be funny but the themes are weirdly adult. Even poop jokes would be preferable than this material that seems targeted at a mysterious group of fully grown adults with the maturity level of teenagers.

Trying to be clever with galge parody.... ha ha ha I guess for the kids???

The worst "joke" is when you have to sit there, jumping 100 times to press a button. HAHA Nintendo, thanks for wasting my precious time. That's hilarious!!

No really, USE the shortcut cause it's not fucking worth it (HINT: it's the disc eject button)

In addition, the puzzles are incredibly challenging for a game that's supposed to be Cero A. While I'm always game for some puzzles, somehow, puzzles on a platformer just didn't do a thing for me. Staring at a puzzle and working it out on pen and paper yes. Aimlessly walking around in a platformer of all things trying to find the hidden 3D path or some spot to point your wiimote at... um not so much.

In fact, the only time I was actually having fun was a brief segment where you fly around in space and shoot stuff. I should've taken the hint and played Ke-Tsu-no-ana instead. Ke-Tsu-no-ana is probably a way better experience and maybe even better smelling than this pile of poo.

The only brief part that I enjoyed.

Score: 1 yes, lighting your fart on fire IS funnier than this out of 5 (23 hours to beat)

Scale
0 - Awful
1 - Bad and not worth your time
2 - Has some flaws but still enjoyable
3 - An average enjoyable experience
4 - A great game
5 - Masterpiece of a caliber only found very rarely