Drag-On Dragoon（ドラッグオンドラグーン）

I remember first trying Drag-On Dragoon (what non-Jhipsters call Drakengard) many years ago. Alas, I must have been too immature as a gamer because I thought it sucked hard donkey balls and promptly turned it off, back to collecting dust on my gaming shelf. That is, if I was allowed to have a gaming shelf instead of putting all my "unsightly" shit in my closet, safe from the eyes of would-be disgusted visitors by all the anime "porn". (Cero D, I assure you, but try telling that to the house guests!)

My game "room" except I'm not a cute imouto, just a regular ugly nerd with beard and fedora.

Ahem, anyways, as I was saying, I was one of those typical young gamers who cared about stupid shit like graphics, responsive controls, and a camera you could control to see what the hell you were doing. Obviously, today as a distinguished gamer connoisseur, with experience going back all the way to PC88, I have a much bigger tolerance for such trivial things. After all, such annoyances are nothing compared to playing an adventure game ALL IN KATAKANA.

So when I booted up Drag-On Dragoon again, the shitty graphics, a useless camera that snaps back, and repetitive gameplay did not bother me one bit. In fact, the repetition was almost kind of therapeutic in a way. Just press square until you see the yellow flash then press triangle. Repeat this exactly 56,195 times and you're good to go! If you're wondering where I came up with that number, the game helpfully tracks the number of times you attack just so you can see exactly how many times you've repeated this action like the brain-dead, zombie gamer that you are. Thanks for making me reflect on my useless life and destroying what little self-esteem I had, game!

Bad guys have the courtesy to stand around and wait just like your favorite kungfu movie

The game also felt extra tedious in the beginning because you're so weak. It takes forever to kill anything. But if you know to ignore the random people when you first start, you'll find it much easier to get started. Your weapons level up by the number of people you kill so you can replay the earlier missions and wipe up much faster when you're stronger later on.

And speaking of the weapons, I can kinda start to understand why people like pokemon so much because even though the gameplay is SUPER repetitive, I just HAD to collect all dem damn weapons. Of course, once you collect a weapon, then you have to kill several hundred people with it to level it up. You also unlock the weapon's story in pieces as you level it up to level 4. So yeah, it's like dynasty warrior pokemon except for the part where you're basically massacring thousands of people. Otherwise, it's totally the same.

The flying missions are a nice break, because they are pretty simple except for a few damn tough bosses. You can hold square to auto-target and the rest is just moving around and using L1/R1 to dodge projectiles. As for those boss fights, yeah, you need to learn their patterns and get good. There's nothing like that feeling of beating a tough boss with barely any health left after about 6 or 9 tries.

It's like Lair (PS3) except Lair has fucking amazing graphics compared to this and is also $2 at Gamestop.

Honestly, the two screenshots above cover pretty much everything you'll see in the game but in different environments. The story is pretty short, told in a mixture of short dialogues and even shorter movies. It's definitely not a long-winded visual novel style affair. The mature themes are very subtle so you won't be seeing anything too explicit but you will definitely see some umm... interesting ideas to say the least. It won't rub anything in your face though so you'll have to pay attention, especially no pafu-pafu that's for sure.

You won't be seeing any panchira or oppai in this one... well... at least not the kind you would want

As for the music, well you know how there was supposedly a riot at the performance of Igor Stravinsky's Rite of Spring in Paris? Ok gamers, you know umm... music and culture and stuff? Yeaaaaah, anyway google it if you're a philistine. But basically, the entire soundtrack is pretty much Rite of Spring, a constant assault on your ears. Not bad by any means but definitely veeeery uncomfortable.

There's more than 30 tracks to torture yourself for your inner masochist!

As a Jhipster, I'm not too familiar with whatever censorship that may have been put on this game for the English version since I always play the OG dope shit. Googling around, I was confused about the whole "Watchers" thing until I realized that was something they made up to remove any references to God. Oh you silly American Christians, lighten up will ya??

You may want to skip to the end if you want to avoid even the slightest hint of spoilers, but this is the first game I've played where every ending gets worse than the previous one. To give you an idea of how fucked things get, I was pulling my hair out because I could not for the life of me find a spear, even though the game said the chest containing said spear appeared. Turns out the game was lying to me and I had to kill ALL the giant babies to the north to make it appear. However, I had to go to work before I could try that so basically, I spent all day thinking about killing babies. Does that kind of give you an idea of the fuckedupedness? By the way, the English version calls them something else and not babies even though that's plainly what they are.

33,100 people killed, totally like Pokemon

Score: 3 still have no clue how this relates to Nier but don't fucking tell me goddamn internet spoiler nation out of 5 (34 hours to beat)

Overall, despite the crappy gameplay, or maybe even because of it, I really enjoyed my time with Drag-On Dragoon. The story, while not too detailed, was interesting and I couldn't wait to unlock the next ending. However, collecting all the weapons is pretty much impossible without a guide and the last stage was an absolute pain in the ass to beat (don't be ashamed of the pause button).

A very unique and interesting title but one I would still give an average score of 3. Definitely worth checking out but not what I would call a great game. I have NO IDEA why they would decide to change the name to Drakengard outside Japan. Drag-on is such a fucking accurate description AND when put together, it spells "Dragon". GENIUS!

Scale
0 - Awful
1 - Bad and not worth your time
2 - Has some flaws but still enjoyable
3 - An average enjoyable experience
4 - A great game
5 - Masterpiece of a caliber only found very rarely

bitter smile.

OH MY GOD

Doth my eyes deceive me? Is bitter smile. a japanese game title that's not only NOT all in caps but actually foregoes upper case entirely??? Ok, there's a weird and pointless period in the title but still, bravo Giga for bucking the trend with an almost regular English title.

I cannot be obedient for the palpitation... ok, well, it was a good try at least

This is the 2nd Giga title I've finished albeit in all its TGL consumer port censored glory and my 4th galge overall so I guess I'm on a roll. It's not like I'm even really that much into the genre, it's just that these games are taking up space on my Vita memory card and as we all know, Vita memory is FUCKING ridiculously expensive.

The Cero C censored (non) sex has nothing to do with my play preference

This game doesn't have a platinum trophy so it's not a good game for trophy whores. Who am I kidding? Dumb trophy whores don't care that! Out of the 583 owners who use psnprofiles, almost half "completed" the game in under 3 hours which is total bullshit. Incidentally, it took me a little over one month, which currently puts me at around #508, which is like the last page of the fastest (aka slowest) achievers. Doya!

Trophy whores everywhere I go

Putting aside my usual griping of trophy whores (where the fuck do they come up with the money to waste just for fucking trophies???) ahem, the game itself was so-so. My main crush was your kouhai Arikawa Chiseka but unfortunately, she's just a side character with no route. BOOO!

My kouhai... not sure what's going on here cause Cero C censorship

All the routes were pretty uneventful except for one, and even that was just kinda meh. There's not much to see here except for a very standard love story. However, one thing to note is that the Vita port was absolute shit. This must be one of TGL's earlier ports because the control scheme is jacked and worse, NO VOLUME CONTROLS!!!

L+X to save?? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK??

The backlog was shit cause you can only see ONE LINE at a time and weirdly enough you can stop the music so you can actually hear what they're saying but only in the backlog after you already couldn't hear it in the game itself. Anyway, long story short, if it wasn't for the sex which my delicate enlightened mind cannot handle, I would say the PC version is far superior. Except you know, don't be a filthy pirate and buy your game, etc. etc.

Reader XXXonepieceinyofairytaleXXX sent in this screenshot of the PC version (god damn filthy pirate)

Score: 2 ok ok, I swear my next blog post will be for a real game out of 5

Given the pretty vanilla, standard story and the awful piss poor job done of the Vita port, I'm gonna have to give this one a solid MEH score of 2... barely. If only the consumer port added some extra scenarios namely censored (non)sex with ultimate tsundere Chiseka, it might have gotten a bit higher score but alas, she will be forever unattainable (fingers crossed for expanded nintendo switch port??).

Bonus screenshots for the future galge museum

How the fuck developers make this and not make her a route? Goddamn tease.

Chiseka school of tsundere 101 (sorry non-jhipsters)

Hot damn! Is it ok to have this kind of language in Cero C?? (sorry non-jhipsters)

Seriously, the story is not as moving as the broken English tries to say it is

Scale
0 - Awful
1 - Bad and not worth your time
2 - Has some flaws but still enjoyable
3 - An average enjoyable experience
4 - A great game
5 - Masterpiece of a caliber only found very rarely

PaRappa the Rapper（パラッパラッパー）

I'm not exactly a expert gaming historian (if you haven't noticed by now) but according to Wikipedia, PaRappa the Rapper is supposedly the first modern rhythm game. I guess that's why I can't fault it too much for being such a SHITTY GAME.

First of all, the entire game has a total of 6 songs and I was able to beat it in under an hour if not closer to 30 minutes. Not only is the game incredibly short but the biggest problem is that the small amount of content ISN'T EVEN FUN!

I've played my share of rhythm games and this is the first one I've played where I don't even know why I'm sucking. The correct timing is still a mystery to me but I can say for sure that it's not based on the buttons on the screen. I mean, it's cool that the button presses actually make PaRappa rap but don't bother trying to do it according to the timing bar. The interface is awkward as well when the buttons are on two lines. The 6th and last song even has spots where you basically have to memorize the next button since it just pops up out of nowhere.

It's almost criminal how many better rhythm games there are (*cough DJMax cough*) that don't have nearly as much name recognition as this pile of poo. And yet here we are with an upcoming PS4 HD remake of so far the worst rhythm game I have ever played. If you don't believe me, try the demo available on PSN right now.

The HD remake nobody needs but hipsters will still buy I'm sure

Also, as a Jhipster, there is absolutely no reason to import this one as everything is in English. Unless for some weird reason, you wanna see the translated Japanese lyrics.

I'm not a weeb! I just thought there would be a Japanese song version!!

Score: 1 I hope I get my money back selling on ebay out of 5

While I don't condone piracy, I really should've checked out an ISO or something before wasting my money on buying this sucker. Thanks to it's totally unfounded name recognition, at least I hope I can sell it for as much as I paid for it.

Just trying to point out the title for my ebay listing

Scale
0 - Awful
1 - Bad and not worth your time
2 - Has some flaws but still enjoyable
3 - An average enjoyable experience
4 - A great game
5 - Masterpiece of a caliber only found very rarely

Renai 0 Kilometer v (恋愛0キロメートルv)

It took almost 6 months but I finally finished my 3rd galge: Renai 0 Kilometer v. So I guess I'm practically an expert on the genre, eh? As far as I know, this Vita port is identical in content to the PSP version, which added a whopping 4 extra routes and 2 whole new characters. The only difference is that for some reason the Vita version is ridiculously expensive. I got my "copy" on a PSN sale (yeah, I'm still a sucker).

Don't worry Himuroya, you'll soon get your own route and even a theme song! No H though cause Cero C. Sorry!

One of the additional characters is voiced by none other than Tamura Yukari and she ironically plays the role of a High School student trying to become a voice actress. Tamura Yukari is famous for being eternally 17. (Sorry I have to explain this basic stuff for the non jhipsters). The 2 new characters don't have anything to do with the main story, they're just 2 broads you meet on the street (you playa you!).

So yeah, the main story is pretty much as you'd expect in a galge. It kinda reminded me of Marmalade Boy except more harem-ish. Without getting into the details, just in case anybody reading this is interested in playing it (pfft yeah right), you end up living with a bunch of girls who live next door (hence the 0 kilometer). Basically, 3 imoutos and 1 oneechan (if that's your thing) whom you're legally allowed to boink. Of course, I'm only guessing about that part because I played the censored "oh let's have a date at the mall teehee" Cero C consumer port.

A reader sent in this shot of the 18+ you're going to hell PC version. Thanks xxxOnePieceInYoFairyTailxxx!

Beside the silly premise, I thought the story was actually pretty good. Nothing happens outside the realm of normal reality in this one. No stupid magic tools pooped from a tree or time traveling Suzuha (though as I said Yukari IS in the game). However, even though the situations are very mundane, the dialogue is pretty damn funny. And though I did get tired of the game a bit with all the side routes, the main routes did keep me interested once I finally got to them. Also, a lot of 4th wall breaking humor. There was even a part where the girl said something embarrassing and disabled the backlog temporarily.

Noooo, my backlog!!!!!

The art style wasn't bad though some of the characters have tailored boob pockets and American porn silicon boobs. (Hate to break it to the protagonist, but dem melons ain't natural dude.)

Also conveniently serves as a face pillow in a pinch

Beside the fake boobies, I liked the design for characters that didn't get some uh "work" done. There are also a few scenes using a completely different art style which I thought was charming and cute.

This was apparently before she went in to get some "work" done

Overall, I was pleasantly surprised by this title and though I probably paid a bit more than I wanted to even with a "sale", at least I enjoyed my time with it. I would say, check it out if you can find it for a good price and don't mind a run-of-the-mill, imouto/oneechan-fetish, love triangle... urr heptagon story. I am of course talking to fellow jhipsters only, trophy whores aren't welcome.

I don't even bother talking about galge music anymore cause it's so generic
Score: 3 real boobs aren't shaped like that! ...or so I've read online... out of 5

While the Amazon Japan reviews rag on the Vita port for being pretty much a PSP game plopped onto a Vita cart, technically it was just ok. Yeah, the audio quality ain't exactly PC quality but oh well, at least it wasn't full of bugs like Harvest OverRay. All these Vita galge ports seem like a cash grab to me anyways. Hey, as long as it helps the Vita. You hear me Sony? Make a Vita 2, you chicken shits!!


Additional screenshots for the next generation of galge aficionados.

Dat Cero C steam is damn aggressive.

LOL this part was so funny! (Sorry non jhipsters...)

I never thought I'd say this but I think I can use an imouto break actually

Scale
0 - Awful
1 - Bad and not worth your time
2 - Has some flaws but still enjoyable
3 - An average enjoyable experience
4 - A great game
5 - Masterpiece of a caliber only found very rarely

Hatsune Miku: Project Diva（初音ミク -Project DIVA-）

Hatsune Miku has obviously become much more than just a mascot character for Yamaha's Vocaloid voice synthesizer. While to an ignorant non-jhipster, Miku may be just yet another excuse to say Japan is weird in some lame news filler segment, it actually has made a huge impact on the indie music scene.

Combined with Niconico douga, Vocaloid has become a platform for producers (you know those funny usernames that end with "p") and singers to collaborate on songs without ever working directly together. The line between indie and pro has blurred as many composers and singers have worked their way into the commercial market, including for example, rhythm games like this one. Ryo and supercell are probably one of the most well known example of this kind of dynamic doujin/commercial music landscape and I sure hope you like Ryo, because like 5 of his songs are in this game. That and a whole bunch of OSTER project (LOL futanari).

When vocaloid producers go pro
So how is the first transition of Miku to the rhythm gaming genre? Honestly, pretty piss poor. While I have to give credit to Sega for figuring out how to license and commercialize doujin music, as a rhythm game, this is like the most basic of basic gameplay. Not only can you not use the arrow keys for anything, there are no long notes nor any type of key combination. It's just basically 4 buttons timed pretty much exactly to the lyrics.

I guess it may be a good introduction to the genre for newbs but otherwise, it's about the most simple rhythm game I've ever played. The production value on the visuals are pretty impressive though and if I were to see this in 2009, I probably would have been floored with the PSP (#BAE) graphics. However, in today's standards, it's you know, just standard PSP graphics and the frame rate gets a bit choppy when too much stuff is going on in the background.

Not exactly the best gameplay to put it mildly

As for the song list, I can't be too harsh on it given that there's a far smaller Miku library in 2009 compared to today but I guess if you like Ryo, then you can't go wrong with this game. Personally, I only liked a few jazzy tunes and Dear Cocoa Girls. The rest of the songs were honestly pretty meh.

Notice panchira is not blacked out in the good ol days unlike Miku VR (damn SJWs)
Technically, being able to change dynamic character models with modules was definitely new for a rhythm game. I did not unlock all the modules because the swimsuit ones are just pure grind but had fun unlocking the majority of them. The swimsuit ones are BS though because you have to play ALL songs and score Great or above for each character. I did it once for Miku and was pretty much done.

There's a couple other modes such as unlocking accessories for the Miku room but I didn't really see much point in it. You can also see an art gallery of all the Miku fan art used in loading screens and whatnot which I guess is cool for the fans. I mean, imagine if your fan art was picked up for a Miku game?

Note to self: don't quit day job to become home decorator

Score: 2... ok ok, +.5 moe bonus point cause Miku snow module is so damn cute (moeeeee) out of 5 (12 hours to beat)

I think the whole idea behind the game (by the fans etc.) is really cool given that a similar thing would be totally impossible in the US thanks to greedy record executives and their lawyer sharks. Yeah, the first game kinda sucks balls but it's still a good start to a long running series that gets much better later on. Miku is still as cute as ever too. Oh yeah, and there's NO AUTO SAVE!!! I lost my entire first session because I was too new school and didn't know I had to save my game manually.

Additional screenshots before they're confiscated by the SJW police in our future dystopia.

Gosh, cute ain't she?

No seriously, so cute!

So pure and innocent

Wait, why are the feds at my door?

No, you don't get it, it's MOE!

HAAAAAAAALP!!!!

Scale
0 - Awful
1 - Bad and not worth your time
2 - Has some flaws but still enjoyable
3 - An average enjoyable experience
4 - A great game
5 - Masterpiece of a caliber only found very rarely

Ryu ga Gotoku 3（龍が如く3）

As per the usual Jhipster post, let's first start with the name. While Yakuza 3 is probably the most boring and mundane name one could ever imagine, I guess it's better than a literal translation of the Japanese title: Ryu ga Gotoku. Calling a game "Like a Dragon" would make one expect some kind of cheesy 90s Kung Fu flick, catching flies with chopsticks, ninjas, and the works. (Though on second thought, that would kinda be a kick ass game.)

NOT read as "Doragon" unlike those English weebs at Square

I beat the first 2 Ryu ga Gotoku games ages ago on the PS2 and man, the leap to HD here is phenomenal and yes, while the character models may look a bit dated by today's standards, you have to give Sega credit for pulling off such a big graphical leap with no bugs or glitches of any kind and on the PS3 Cell shit to boot.

Pfft, Sega sucks guys, they can't even make a decent Sonic game.
(This is what Neogaf posters actually look like)

Yes, after playing Persona 5 in 2016, being able to walk around in Tokyo may not seem AS cool today but it was mind blowing at the time. I still remember thinking it was so awesome to be able to walk into a Don Quixote or a Matsuya just like in real life. Since I was living in Tokyo at the time, you may be wondering, why not just fucking walk outside? Well I can ask you riaju fuckers the same thing about Wii Sports and yet you guys still bought it like it was cocaine sprinkled on a box of Crispy Creme. Ok, where was I again?

Come to the real store to enter to win because vidya games can't make real food (YET)

While I'm obviously a big fan of the series, unfortunately, I found the gameplay a bit wanting in this entry. I don't remember combat being such a fucking pain in the ass in the previous games. The main problem with the battle system is that it's very, very tedious. Maybe it was because I played on hard difficulty, but it seemed like just about everybody can block your attacks with perfect precision, even the local punks on the street corner. Going face on, you will never and I repeat NEVER land a full combination on ANYBODY. One option is to wait until they attack, sway around and land a bunch of hits from behind but that's tedious as well unless it's an aggressive boss. I just did □→□→△→△  like a million times because while it does very little damage, at least it can break a guard.

This tutorial is BS, that kick never works

I equipped a stinky rag just because it said that it made people avoid you but it didn't seem to do shit to prevent all those annoying punks from running up and starting a fight with you. Another annoying part was always running out of heat and you need heat to do all the cool moves. Overall, either I'm suffering from rosy nostalgia glasses syndrome or the combat in 3 got a lot more annoying. Well, at least in this game, you get your own blog.

I used to think blogs were annoying.
Oh if I only knew how much dumberest the internet would get in 2016.

As for the story, while being able to walk around Okinawa was a nice change of pace, I got quickly tired of taking care of the damn kids and the bazillion side missions. And after the grand plot was revealed literally by explaining it while sitting around the table, I was debating whether to give this game a 2 or maybe squeeze out a 2.5 based purely on my love of Tokyo and the improved graphics. That was until a few chapters near the end.

Some side missions were cool like this one (censored ofc from English ver) but most were just filler 
Without going into any spoilers, I will just say that you have to play until chapter 11 to fully appreciate the story. While the overall plot is a bit far-fetched and whatever, that's not the important part. This is a MAN'S story. Stop being whipped by your woman and play this game. Bros before Hos and all that shit (just don't tell my GF I said that, please for the love of god!!!)

Score: 3 Aniki... you're so goddamn cool out of 5 (25 hours to beat)
Tip to game developers: pole dancing is automatic 0.5+ bonus points.

For those of us who are not blessed as Jhipsters, thankfully, they stopped dubbing these games and stuck with sensible subtitles. However, some parts of the game such as the Cabaret side mission were cut due to "cultural" differences. But pole dancing must be cool because that part was left in and I guess that kinda makes sense culturally? (I'm from New Jersey after all.) However, if you want the full experience with no censored content, you'll want to play the Japanese version. And surprisingly, coordinating your Hostess's clothing and makeup, buying accessories, and training her was actually kinda fun!

I hate to admit it but it's undeniable. Kiryu must be gay. He doesn't take his eyes off sexy Rikiya the entire show

Scale
0 - Awful
1 - Bad and not worth your time
2 - Has some flaws but still enjoyable
3 - An average enjoyable experience
4 - A great game
5 - Masterpiece of a caliber only found very rarely

High School DxD: New Fight（ハイスクールD×D NEW FIGHT）

I was actually surprised to hear this game was going out of service back in July. Maybe boobs don't always sell after all. Welp, here we go again with the trophy deadline shit...

Surprisingly not enough to generate a profit apparently

I can't tell you anything about the anime except that it's the worst anime of all time. Did I watch it? No, of course not but I can tell just by looking at the Wikipedia page as a Puritan born again Christian rock gamergate supporter.

I would never play this filth, nuh uh, no way siree

Anyways, the game itself is a standard card battle F2P, boobie microtrans shitfest but as least the Platinum trophy wasn't too time consuming. OH RIGHT, I NEVER GOT THE PLATINUM BECAUSE OF A STUPID TROPHY GLITCH.

Exactly how I felt with the trophy glitch except you know not in a nurse costume

One of the easier trophies would not trigger for the life of me and I even had a back and forth with support about it. Unfortunately, they replied that a fix would require an update which they weren't going to do because DUH, the service was due for imminent shutdown.

You know how many games I bought from you fuckers?

Score: -1 Fuck it, let's set up a whole new score category for this atrocity out of 5

More screenshots to reflect on the folly of your ways.

Scale
0 - Awful
1 - Bad and not worth your time
2 - Has some flaws but still enjoyable
3 - An average enjoyable experience
4 - A great game
5 - Masterpiece of a caliber only found very rarely